behind blue eyes

Sun, 29 May 2005 19:00:50 GMT

Last day of classes was friday and i cant say that i was sad. I know people say when its all over i'll miss it and at graduation i'll realize that i wont want to leave but...right now i just want to leave. i want to get away from everything that is holding me back there. I don't think thats such a bad thing. Whats wrong with wanting to grow up? Wanting to get away with the immature and fake things in high school? Wanting to meet new people instead of seeing the same faces over and over again...I don't think theres anything wrong with that. So needless to say I can't wait for graduation.

Prom was what I expected. Nothing special. Dave was a lovely date and i love him to death but... It wasn't him. Dave wasn't the boy that i wanted to be holding me through the slow songs. But hey want can I do? nothing :(
After prom me and dave went to Rebecca's. I only stayed for a lil while cause i was exhausted and had work in the morning. Almost fell asleep at the wheel on the way home...o yea it was a great time.
Yesterday I worked, saw gianna for a lil bit, then came home to a lovely cup of nyquil...that stuff is the best liquid ever invented.

Once sumer begins I'm going to have no free time. I gotta work full time, i want to volunteer at the hospital as much as i can, and i want to do some kick boxing lessons and finally learn how to play my damn guitar. So i guess this is good, ya know keeping busy. I wont think about him and i wont think about partying. (which ps someone gave me a cup of pepsi today which had captin in it and and i didnt know BUT i didnt swallow! I spit it out! congrats to meeeeee)
But i gotta go study for exams. ill update more later

-been talking to ray a lot lately...hmm...

Mon, 11 Apr 2005 16:29:32 GMT

I wish i could take my own advice when it comes to things like this. For everyone else i say its only high school. You'll move on, things will get better, and you'll realize that the person you once felt so deeply for is finally in the past and now you can move on. Yet when I'm in the situation i can never do it. I can tell myself those exact words but never seem to take them. Maybe thats because this one was different. Maybe its because this was the crush i have had for three years, this was the boy. I know what i did the other night was right. He made a decision and he believes that its the right one. I respect him for that. So now I have to walk away....But I dont know if I can. I don't want him to go through every day miserable because she can't see the beauty within him, because she can't see that hes trying his best to make her happy. I want to show him that there are girls out there that aren't like her. That care about him and wont treat him like shit....:( but I'm going to do whats right...like usual. Instead of following my heart I'm going to do whats right. I'm going to walk away and I wont look back. So when i see him at church I'll glance towards him, think about what could have been and how beautiful it would have been then I'll smile, and walk away. I'll walk away...

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 17:21:13 GMT

I'm so sick of people. I'm so sick of high school.
Everyone says that these are the best days of our lives. Well what days are they talking about? Instead of enjoying life, instead of enjoying eachother, everyone is too busy fucking up each others lives and causing more drama just so they can have something to talk about the next morning. Why can't we all just stop caring about ourselves and start caring about one another. Seriously. I'm so sick of hearing everyone saying to one another about how much they love everyone and how they have the greatest friends in the world then two seconds later turn around and talk shit about him/her. And I'm sick of people dating people they don't want to date. If you want to date someone then go right ahead and fucking date them. but dont be in a relationship just to be in a relationship with that person. And dont date that person because you think its the right thing to do or to get back at someone else. We all think that we've grown up so much since 9th grade...well you know what we really havent. So heres my advice to everyone...Fucking grow up and stop bitching cause we are graduating in two fucking months and only have a few more months to be together. So in the next few months do you want to make them the best months of our lives...or do you want to make them hell? Its your decision. Make the right one.

Fri, 25 Mar 2005 17:39:42 GMT

Haven't written in the lj for a while buuuut i had an urge to write in it while i was baking.

Its amazing how much I've changed, and how others have changed. I sat down yesterday and thought about how many friendships have changed during the coarse of our high school life. Some friendships turned in a different direction at the right moment, others didn't. For the past week I have been upset about certain friendships and how things just seem so fake now a days. Not anymore. I don't care anymore...well i don't mind anymore. Friends change and thats life. I'm glad I finally realized that.

Other then that I have been feeling a lot better lately...happier. I don't know if it is because of the medication or because I'm finally seeing someone, but whatever it is has done wonders for me. I'm still a little depressed but i know that things will get better, things will change, and I'll be ready when it does.

Boy wise - I'm finally over everyone. I'm ready to start a new relationship without wondering if i should have stayed with the last boy. Ha the only problem now is to get the boy i want out of the relationship hes in....*sigh* o well. I'm working on it :) but eeek need to go finish the baking...I'll write later <3

Sun, 26 Dec 2004 17:40:06 GMT

Don't know what to say,
Never meant to feel this way,
Don't want to be alone tonight,
What can i do to make you mine?
Falling so hard so fast this time...
What did i say?
What did you do?
How did i fall inlove you?

Steven came home friday. Wicked exciting. I forgot how much i missed him. Okay okay maybe I didn't but guys i really did miss my big bro. So me my dad and brothers just sat around talking all night and watched a movie...it was a nice night just being all together again. I really did miss that....

Christmas day my dad and timmy left. Since i was going to be alone on christmas liz invited me to have dinner with her and her family. But steven decided I'd go there all morning. Now I mean it was very thoughtful of her to invite me over but I'm still trying to open myself up and accept her. So i think steve making me go there all morning was too much for me to handel. We got there around 11...i met her parents, sisters, brother-in-laws etc... It was kinda uncomfortable since they hate my whole family except of course for steven. It wouldnt have been that bad if almost every comment to me wasnt about how much my family sucks. Now i know my family isnt perfect, i mean i'd be the first to admit it. But when other people are talking about my parents and putting them down of course im going to feel defensive...i dont know it just sucked. So around 2 steve was asked to help move a stove into liz's sisters house so they brought me back to the house and left. There for i spent the day by myself....Although mike f. did stop by around 11 that night to visit for a little while...i heart that boy <3

Now I'm wicked pissy though cause i mean i havent seen steven in 4 months. You'd think he'd be spending his three nights here and trying to spend time with his fucking sister that he hasnt seen in a long time. ha O NO. he spent christmas eve here cause my dad was still here and the last two nights hes spent with liz. I'm sorry but you live with the fucking girl. i think you can spend 3 nights away from your precious gf inorder to be around your sister that you know has missed you way too much. whatever i just hope he doesnt expect me to understand this time.

Mon, 13 Dec 2004 20:54:00 GMT

So this weekend basically consisted of homework and work.

Thursday: me and gi decided to swing by the swim meet to see andy fox. ya except we didnt get there until it was finished. cause first we stopped by eg to say hello to two of my favorite boys david and mike. When we finally reached ep high school we got lost in the parking lot...*gi was driving like a spaz that night :x <3* finally made it into the parking lot only to find out we missed it! but thats okay cause we hung around and talked to annie/andy/ and this other dude. The longer i go without see andy the more i have to hurt him when i do see him..i love it! but after chatting in the parking lot for like a half hour me, gi, and annie decided to go to hooters to eat. YA def want to work there. the tips there have to be like amazing and i def have the boobs for the job. hehe anyways it was a good time. except im kinda of scared cause annie and gianna were checking out the girls a little tooooo much. but still it was a good time.

Friday: school was okay and only arrived home to do more school work. ya missing 3 weeks of school DEF isnt as great as you would think. im ready to shoot myself

Saturday: I was supposed to work 2-6 but the meanys called me up at 9 asking me to come in...so i workede 10-6. it was a very interesting day....lets just say one person i work with decided to tell me hes inlove with me and another one tried to kiss me....ug i need to quit cause sexual harrassment just isnt as fun as it was this summer. ANYWAYS on my way home from work dave called me asking if i wanted to go to a movie and a hockey game. So i met up with dave/jonny/ and another dude at the movie theatre. Oceans 12 is a pretty good movie. not as good as the 1st one buuuut i still give it a thumbs up! after the movie we met up with mike and went to the hockey game. at the game i saw BRIAN who i havent seen in ever annnnnnd i miss him. buuut i hate going into eg. im sorry but everyone there is just..weird. whatever i still had fun. jon did a wonderful job to. After the game dave brought me home...i love david robert <3

Sunday: work and more homework...

Monday: slooow day. made up some more work. But just found out that im screwed for my bradly interview because the police station wont do the bci check cause im a minor and neither will the district. WTF how the hell am i supposed to have my thinngggy now. ugggg people are stupid. really they are. again will someone please shoot me?

Thu, 02 Dec 2004 23:26:49 GMT

Lets do the math here. Joe treats me like shit, dissapoints me, and is never there. it seems like the answer would be to dump him right? WELL THEN WHY DONT I UNDERSTAND THIS. please someone explain to me why im stupid. everyone has told me to dump and i wont. i mean i had the PERFECT oppertunity to do it. my mom told me she doesnt want me seeing him anymore and when i told joe this he was like o well i guess thats the end of our relationship. -side note- WHO SAYS THAT?! you tell a girl you love her then boom you just give up???? anyways yea so when he said that i was like what o um no. whats wronnng with me.
I just want a guy that actually is inlove me. that wants to be with me more then anything and doesnt give up. i want a guy that im ACTUALLY completely attracted to and want to like rape. i want a guy that no matter what happens i still want to be with him cause hes wonderful and amazing. but i cant have that cause I'M WITH FUCKING JOE!!! *<--is kinda pissed off :x*

Thu, 25 Nov 2004 20:22:31 GMT

So had a lovely night last night with my 2 favs *gi and dave* <3 They picked me up around 8 and we went to go see the saw. It wasnt too bad. Although i was entertained about how gianna was freaking out so much. ha atleast this time i wasnt sitting next to her so she didnt have the chance to bite my boob!! <3

After the movie we went to the Mcdonalds parking lot where i was feeling wicked shitty. i think something is wrong cause i was supposed to start feeling better by the 2nd week and ha i feel the same...i guess its time for another visit to the docter! so last night i just was able to make it through the night by fillin up on oxycotin :) BUT ANYWAYS so we got to the parking lot and brian, jonny, jon p, pat, and mike were there. it made me very excited cause i love those boys. all though i was sad cause i couldnt really talk since my throat hurt :( so i just hung around. buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut then joey called and he came by to see me! its amazing how i can feel so gross but once he comes i can suddenly bear the pain and be able to talk and fight with him lol. I was kinda pissed off because he went to a wake with heather and then he was going to come out and see me but o no he decided to go to a bar instead...buut i forgave him because heather was prob all sad so i guess its a good thing he spent time with her. so once joey got there gianna like attacked him for cigarettes. what a loser!!!!! so after we picked up gi's cancer and dropped my baby back off at his car gi brought me home. Spent about 40 mins on the phone with joey. o yes i was very proud of him since he isnt a phone person hehe. but no we had a good chat because i was able to talk about what was bothering me and he actually listened. SO it was a very nice night. AH but i need to go finish some hw so i will update latttter <3

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 17:53:36 GMT

Friday - got in the HUGGEST fight with my brother...i asked him to bring me to e.g and he flipped. i mean TOTALLY flipped out on me. i mean my brother has gotten mad at me before but ive never seen him act like this before. he was swearing at me and telling me to go fuck myself, banging on the steering wheel, racing other cars. i was so scared he was going to hit me. i dont think i have ever been so scared of my brother until that moment. i called my dad when i got to eg crying. and i dont cry to my parents to often so he knew my brother must have dont something wrong. he needs anger management wicked bad. i mean i know since he is retarded hes bound to have some problems but the past few years have been horrible. you cant talk to him anymore without him screaming at you. so ANYWAYS after the car ride and the crying i got to see my joey. had a lovely time just watching a movie with him. although i cant really remember what we watched :x ;)

Saturday: worked from 12-6 with my fav manager CHIP! eee hes gonna get me and joey into a gay strip club. its gonna be wicked fun cause i want to see how many gay guys flirt with joe hehehehe :X plus chip said all the people that work there are straight and really hot so he said they'll prob be all over me. what i want to make my bf jealous :x is that soooo bad :) OOO and andy came to visit me at work! i was WICKED excited. except he was an ass and kept throwing snow balls at me while i was trying to do garbage :( MEANY! just kidding! you know that i luv yea <3 anywas after i got out of work jonny k and mike picked me up. then we went to daves house where we all just hung out for a little while. even though i hate smoking and think its awful its so entertaining seeing them all high. i love those boys. after daves we went to this gay ass party for like 5 mins till the boys figured out most of the people there were 10th graders SOOOO needless to say we left. We decided to go hang out at this chick allie's house for the rest of the night. it was fun. except i felt like a whore cause i had to rub both mike and brians head at the same time...i think head rubbing = sex to them. hehe gotta love them <3 O and daves my fav person ever cause he made me/brian/mike/ and jon p mac and cheese!!!! SOOO GOOD! i loved it. then dave brought me home around 12. good times with the boys.

Sunday: worked 7-2. actually wasnt that bad cause i got to work with dave and jon so it was okay. But the end of work sucked cause well joe came to get me cause i was seeing him after work and all day my manager neil was saying how he needed to talk to him. i figured that he just needed him to work another day. SO when joe got there he went in the back and talked to neil and when he came out of the office he told me he got fired. APPARENTLY they are accusing him of taking someones check and cashing it. what the fuck it makes absolutly no sense cause the signature doesnt even look like his and in order to cash someone else's check need that person to sign the check. well it wasnt signed!!! but they have proof that he did it cause the check had his liscense number on it. well ya know what anyone could get his # cause joes stupid and leaves his wallet out all the time at work. so yea my poor baby got fired for something he didnt even do. i just dont get how they can fire him just like that when he has worked at that place for four fucking years. i mean he has helped neil out so much...what a fucking fat ass. i dont get how he could do this to joe...but joe seems to be taking it pretty well.. i hope he just doesnt do anything stupid :( mm poor baby....anyways after that horrible even we went back to his house and well...you guys dont need to know the rest ;)

Monday: got my tonsils out. it was actually fun :X ha i know im the only person that would say that. Anyways i got at the hospital at 6am. around 7 they started to drug me up and at 7:25 i was brought in the operating room. the docters and nurses were so nice. so they pumped more drugs in my body and then they were like okay your going to go to sleep now. it was WICKED cool cause after like 3 seconds of him saying that i started to see 2 of everything then i was out like a light! hehehe fun stuff! but AH i thought i almost died cause i woke up with a oxygen mask on and the docter didnt tell me that i would need one. so i was like what the hell and i went to move my head but the mask started to slip so i tried to move my arm to fix it but because of all the drugs i couldnt move my body....lol it was scary i thought i was gonna die hehe. so after about an hour in the recovery room i was brought out to see mommy and daddy and to go home...got home and just ended up sleeping pretty much all day.

Tuesday: which would be today. my throat hurts like a mother. and my drugs are wicked strong so im so dizzy and i have been seeing things and oy it hasnt been fun. im wicked tired but i thought id update since i havent in a while,,,but im starting to see double again so ill update later...sorry if this entry doesnt make much sense but remember im all drugged up!!!

<3

Sat, 09 Oct 2004 14:21:44 GMT

Figured i'd update since i havent in a while.

I would tell you what i've been up to the last week but i honestly really cant remember. i remember last weekend i went out with dave/jon/&gianna...but what we did is a blur. that goes for the rest of the week to. i just remember waking up, going to school, then coming home to sleep. what i did in between those things seems to be a mystery. thats basically how my life has been lately. i've been walking through everyday not really knowing whats going on. I have so much on my mind right now and im just so stressed out...i guess thats why ive been sleeping so much....seriously though the stress is getting to me way too much...Im so sick of college already. i actually started getting my butt in gear but since my mother decided to tell me to not even bother cause i cant get in since of my SAT scores...well that pretty much ruined my "hey i can do it!" thought.i mean would it hurt her to just give a littlllee encouragement!? i guess so!!!
To add to the stress i have ray on my mind a lot of the time. im just so worried about him and i cant help but feel him going to iraq is my fault. if i stayed with him then.....ug i know i fucked things up but im sorry. i cant deal with 4 years of hardly seeing the guy im in love with. i guess im weird since thats something i dont want to go through when im 17! whatever...then i got all the problems with joe on my mind. it seems like with him everythings the end of the world. if i do something wrong or i say something he doesnt like then AH its breakup time! wtf doesnt he know that relationships arent easy?! doesnt he know that you ACTUALLY have to work at it?! AHH im 17 i shouldnt be going through all of this
Why cant i just have a bf that cares about me. that cares about me just as much as i care about him. Why cant i have a bf that understands me and that i can actually trust and not worry about him cheating on me every single day. why cant i have a bf who is there for me when im upset. WHY?! is that really SOOO much to ask for. True i had ray. ray was like that but he didnt stay around now did he?! O NO he had to go to fucking bootcamp when he really could have got out but he was toooo stubborn not to. sorry for the rant but i cant help it :(
And you know what i also wish. i wish i had my friends back. i wish that everyone would stop acting so fake and just be themselves! but thats not gonna happen cause high school sucks to no end!

<3 meg

Mon, 27 Sep 2004 00:20:42 GMT

I should study for forensics but whatever i'll put it off for a few more mins....

So friday comes, after school and joe hasnt called or text messaged me...and u know me i have no patience..so i call his house and who picks up?! o yes him. so im like err uhh were u gonna call me. "no im tired"...so after a min i call gianna like flipping out. she told me to call joe back and tell him that we need to chat like stat. so i call him and just said i really know your tired i understand uve been working all day but we need to talk. so around 8 we met up and went back to his house. i tried talking to him. i really did but what did he do? turned the TV on RIGHHHTTT when i was pouring my heart out....so whatever i gave up. but the next morning i get a text message first thing in the morning saying i want to see you blah blah so i thought hey maybe he was listening cause joe just doesnt do that....so spent last night with him...and it was all nice nice...but today its around 8:20pm and has he tried calling me or anything? no. i just..im so frustrated with him. and i hate it cause i want to be with him but GRRR....

THEN on the whole ray situation he hasnt talked to me in like a week....dave comes intoday telling me some stuff and i completely broke down at work. i hate it cause no matter what im still going to love him and still worry and care about it. BUT WHYYY does he have to be so fucking immature..please tell me. why does he have to think he is so much better then everyone...why....i finalllly called him today and he said hed call tonight so he can chat...dont really know what im gonna say but i just want him to know i still care and to stop getting wasted everynight and fucking things up....

anyways in other news i cut my hair..yeaa its like 2 or 3 inches shorter...all nice and angled and my bangs are a lil below my chin..i think i like it..i havent decided hehe...but ug i need to study..ill write later

meg <3

Mon, 20 Sep 2004 19:32:33 GMT

So i am now 17. not really a big change except now i can get into R movies! WOOHOO! but yea my day really sucked in the begining. i was supposed to work 6-2 but ended up working 6-5. and of course i had to work with people who do shit. there for i was on DT going insane trying to do all the order and make the ice coffee and coolata mix since everyone else decided to just leave it. i was so stressed out my whole body was shaking and my face was completely white. lol neil felt bad that i was doing everything so he let me go on break before most people and then do portions. which wouldnt be bad except around 2 everything was a mess and i felt bad for chip so i was running back and forth on counter and in the back trying to help him while doing portions. then gianna, mike, brian, and ray came in to say happy birthday so i had to talk to them to and ahhh. so yea ended up staying till 5. i was gonna stay later but my dad came in and was like meg u look dead uve been working for 11 hours with only a 10 min break. COME HOME. hehe. so came home and then my dad asked for me to go to church with him cause he didnt want to go alone. what a dork. then came home and joe FINALLY called. yea flipped out on him that he didnt try to see me earlier cause i could only stay out till 10. o well. so he came and picked me up and we went back to his house. he made my night. we didnt do anything special but just watching a movie and cuddlin can be so much fun. specially when your so exhausted lol. then came home and got in a fight with ray. i just dont know what to do with those two. i mean even though im not going out with ray anymore hes still a big part in my life. and always will be. i will always love him. he was my first love so he will always have a peice of my heart. so i dont want to lose him....both of them are just tearing me apart. i mean i hate hurting ray cause even though i dont show im hurting just as much as he is....specially when i see him. but im with joe now so what am i supposed to do. let him say stuff about joe and say how hes going to kill him if they run into eachother? of course not. cause joes getting mad at me for not saying anything to him. and i dont blame joe for that. but when i confronted ray about it he refused to stop and now he said he should just stop talking to me and ahhhhh......im 17 im too young for this! why cant i have both of the things i want?????

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 22:21:37 GMT

Rays coming home tonight. i called him after school and he was at the airport. the day i've been waiting for for three months is finally here and...i dont know what to do. i mean im wicked excited hes home cause im miss him like crazy but i still havent made my decision. i thought i did but when i heard his voice...ug i dont know what to do.
I love ray. hes the first boy. hes sweet, and respectful. he accepts me for who i am and would do anything for me. so why isnt this easy for me? why cant i just say screw joe. joe would never do the things ray would do for me. he never calls, and i never see him. so why cant i just choose ray....i dont know what to do :( will someone make up my mind for me?

Sun, 05 Sep 2004 00:25:11 GMT

So last night i had to go to the hospital. turns out i had this absess in my throat. which is where there was no blood circulation so there was this huge pocket of puss..gross? o yea. so what happened was the docter came in and like felt me up to see if i had mono. i hate when docters touch me but whatever. then he figured out what was wrong and called in a throat docter. so while i was waiting for him they put a ivy in me and gave me morphine and took some blood. so i was feeling all weird. then the docter came and sprayed my mouth to numb it. then stuck a needle in my throat and shot some novocain in me. then after i was all numbed up he stuck another needle in my throat and sucked up all the puss and let me tell you that it was the most painful experience i have ever went through. it was hard cause i couldnt move cause duh. so my eyes were getting all watery and u know me. i dont cry in front of people. just ug hurt so much. so around 1am they let me leave and wheelchaired me out. then me and my parentals stopped by brooks on the way home to pick up my meds. i decided to go in cause i didnt feel like waiting but wow im dumb. almost fainted. i mean hardly eating or drinking or sleeping for a week, meds, and blood sucked out of you = faint. so i blacked out for a min. finally got home and went to sleep after drugging up. i feel a lot better but my throat is still swollen. still cant open it all the way.

and now im having a complete break down. my life is so fucked up. i miss ray. i miss steve. i miss my cat. i miss my life. i hate how my family is always fighting. i hate how i feel i cant trust half of my friends. i hate how i dont understand how joe feels. i hate how my future is completely fucked up. i wish things could go right for once. but o no things always just get worse. why do i always have to feel this way. really life isnt worth living if im going to fucking cry all the time....specially when im crying alone :'(

Tue, 31 Aug 2004 13:21:10 GMT

Saw joey last night. I feel horrible because he told he was helping his grandmother out all day so he didnt know if he could see me. so i called his house around 7 to find out what was going on. turned out grandmother was home buuut not joe. ha yea def pissed off. i called his cell and left a not so nice voicemail. so he called me back telling me it was his other grandmother...hehe opppsss :) so yea saw him last night. i think thats one of the best nights we've spent together. he picked me up and we went to ruby tuesdays were he actually payed! woa. yea their mac and cheese DEF not as good as outback. had a huge arguement over that with joe. he just doesnt understand the perfectness of outback *shakes head*. so after i watched him eat like a kid (which was very entertaining) we stopped by dunkin to get his ice coffee. and there i attacked ISAAC cause he was there and i love him. then we went back to his house *innocent smile*. we watched err some random junk that was wicked weird! but whatever. we had fun acting dumb. but on the way home he told me about some of his past relationships AH yea didnt want to know! o well. it was a super duper good night and made me wicked happy cause this past week has just ug sucked.

So tomorrow school starts. yea math packet not finished, divine secrets of the ya-ya sisterhood read? HA! not my fault i just cant get into that god damn book. and to make things even better im sick. yea smart me decided to use daddys fork and drink out of his glass when hes sick. o yea im wicked smart. ug the right side of my throat is shooting sharp pains! AH!!!!!!

So yes school tomorrow which means back the not getting home till 8 everynight....this..is..going..to...suck.
<3 meghan

*ray comes back in a week..im excited to see him but scared to talk to him...ahh :(*

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 14:03:03 GMT

Shall we update on the week? i think we shall!

Sunday: worked 7-3 which sucked because the manager left 4 people leave since there was too many on. and i was not one of them. there for it sucked like woa. Well i mean he was smart in letting some go cause see on sundays its flea market day which makes everything super duper crazy. but it was raining. the thing is i dont think he should have let 4 leave SPECIALLY 4 people that actually knew what theyre doing cause around 9 something rain stopped and we got slammed. ug new people suck to the 10th power. so after work went home and took a much needed nap then woke up and got pretty for church. cause you know god cares so much if i look hot or not? then after went and saw joey. it was already late so we just went back to his house and watched tv. yea he has no taste in tv shows. charmed? wtf GAY.

Monday: Joey picked me up after work and we hung out for a bit. then around 6 i went over to brians where i was practically falling asleep on his couch...then we went over to daves where WHOA okay i havent been to the boltons in a while i guess so me and brian walk in the front door where we were greeted by mr bolton. yes very exciting but the he walks up to me gives me a hug and says "Meg how are you?! ya know your one of the best girls that has ever walked in this house" lol i love the man!!!!!! so we chilled in daves basement for a while trying to figure out what to do. of course it involved getting high then movies? cause you know what else do my friends do? but dadadada joey called and asked if i wanted to do something cause he was back from seeing the madre. def took up that offer cause i loved brian/dave/pat/jon but i really dont feel like watching them get high and getting ANY of that stuff near my lungs! so joey picked me up and since it was late and we were both exhausted we went back to his house and watched a movie.

Tuesday: made CUPCAKES in the a.m! i was so proud of them but yea they DEF sucked because the box was old so ewwwwwwwwwwww they were gross. o well i guess i need to buy more supplies! hung around the house all day then went out with joey around 8:30...lol yea we def dont have any other friends ;)

Wednesday: stayed home to make the parentals happy.

Thursday: which brings me to today. im worried though cause i got a call from joey yesterday saying he had to go up to conneticut becase his friend got in a car accident and it didnt look good but he would call me later. this was around 2. yea its 10a.m and i havent heard from him. i usually wouldnt be worried but hello your friend is hurt so you race up somewhere which means your judgement on driving has to be a serios lack of! so im worried..very worried...i really want to drive up to my work to see if hes there cause hes supposed to be working but HELLO cant drive. yea this sucks....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh :(

<3 megs

Thu, 19 Aug 2004 01:51:25 GMT

stole from danielle cause...shes the coolest?

Yourself
Full Name: Meghan Elizabeth Hoch
Nickname: Meg, Megos, Mego, megs, Meggie, Meegan, mee-ha, meggie puss, cutie pie, do i need to go on?
Age: 16
DOB: 9/19/87
Born in: Buffalo Ny
Live in: good ol ri
Grade: senior
Height: 5'3?
Weight: :x
Shoe size: 7
Hair: dark brown. not black boys
Eyes: purrdy blue
Piercings: they closed up :(
Tattoos: none but i want one

Favorites
Color: green
Number: 4
Drink: strawberry kiwi
Candy: push pops/suckers

Sport: soccer/hockey
TV show: buffy and boy meets world! doy
Movie: Lethal Weapon
Cartoon: ninja turtles
Restaurant: outback!
Ice cream: chippy chocolate
Game: twistaaaa

Band: *shrug*
Scent: the boys <3
Day of the week: friday
Month: December
Season: winter
Holiday: christmas

Store: Toys R Us
Shoes: sneakers!
Jeans: ones that fit?
Pizza: umm the good kind
Sub: i dont care as long as it has cheese...mmm

Song: "Somewhere out there"
School subject: bio

Animal: wolves
Magazine: yar no
Catalog: again no
Potato chip: the chedder ones
Cheese: good ol american
Radio station: 95.5
CD: nothing will every beat bsb <3
Jello: red
Cereal: kix

This/That
Pepsi/Coke: Pepsi
Pen/Pencil: pen
Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate
Sweet/Sour: sweet
Sugar/Spice: i dunno
Day/Night: night <3
Rap/Rock: rock baby
Pool/Beach: beach
Cuddle/Kiss: kiss while cuddlin <3
Boxers/Briefs: def Boxers
Love/Lust: love
Cat/Dog: i love my cats
PB/Jelly: PB
Hamburger/Hotdogs: carrots
Righty/Lefty: yar def right
Bikini/One Piece: Bikini
Flip Flops/Tennis Shoes: sneakers
Real World/Road Rules: real world
McDonalds/Burger King: subway
Cheese/Crackers: cheeeeeeeese
Top/Bottom: top ;)
Truth/Dare: mmm i dunno too much pressurrrre
Single/Taken: taken
Innie/Outtie: innie
Sing/Dance: both as long as no ones watching
Early/Late: late
Pink/Purple: black
Girls/Boys: this is me your talking about..boys!

Firsts
Childhood crush: hhahaha john in kinder!!! i was inlove
Real crush: this dude mike from like 2-5 grade
True love: ray

Lasts
Person you talked to on the phone: steven
Person you hugged: joey
Person you kissed: peron joey but the last thing i kissed was mandy so does she count?
Person you danced with: ray..:(
Time you laughed: when stevey called..i miss him
Time you cried: today
Movie you rented: i dont rent
Movie you saw @ the theater: lil black book. is that what its called?
TV show you watched: boy meets world
Dinner out: outback with joey
Concert you went to: never been to one :(
Thing you ate: carrot
Thing you drank: milk
Thing you bought: lip gloss
Time you showered: this afternoon. im too lazy in the mornin
Rollercoaster you rode: dont remember

Shoes worn: sneakers
Person you saw naked (besides yourself): :x none of your buiisssneesss
Person you did something illegal with: gi breakin into rays house

Do You
Smoke: never
Drink: once :(
Hate yourself: sometimes
Believe in love: yes
Have a crush: doy
Go to church: sundays
Wish on stars: every night
Believe in miracles: yes
Exercise: yup
Sing in the shower: yarrrrr
Make the first move: never. too shy
Play in the rain: OF COURSE!
Believe in love at first sight: yes
Bite your fingernails: yes. i cant stop :(
Keep a journal: yes
Get motion sickness: mhm
Want to get married: yesssss
Plan to go to college: yes

Have you ever
Broken a bone: nope
Been in a fight: ha yes
Gotten drunk: lol damn u mike
Had sex: nope
Had your heart broken: yes
Broken someone's heart: yes
Stolen something: joes pajama pants
Lied to someone you love: no
Been to band camp: uhhhhh no...
Flown in an airplane: once
Rode on a firetruck: no damnit :(

Skipped school: once..i was "sick" but hey i needed a mental health day
Been in an accident: yes. ray sucks at driving lol
Traveled to a foreign country: no
Written a poem for the person you love: yea
Drooled on yourself: no..what kind of question is that
Spun in circles until you got dizzy and fell down: who hasnt?
Laughed so hard you p*ssed: lol no. i cross the legs in time
Cried at a movie: no
Been to a funeral: once in 5th grade. someones sister died..i think?
Swam in the ocean: hello?
Almost died: mhm
Failed a grade in school: fuck anatomy
Ran away from home: yes. didnt get far
Had a black eye: yes...mike hit me with his fake gun. i thought i looked so cool
Had braces: yar :(
Had surgery: no
Worn glasses: yes
Been suspended from school: no!

Who is
The cutest boy you know: hmm *thinks*....duh?
The prettiest girl you know: my mousey...WHAT shes a girl!
Your loudest friend: hillary
Your nicest friend: pfftish all my friends are bitches <3
Your funniest friend: gi, hill, annie
Your most hyper friend: ug theyre all loud
The person that knows you best: ray
Your friend you've known the longest: ash
Your friend that's like family: gi. i dunno my daddy loves her so sure why not!
The friend you would trust the most with your secrets: joey, gi, lauren, ray

Your best boy friend: joe & ray....yea that causes a prob
Your friend that nurtures you the most: lol gi
Your friend that gets in the most trouble: hey im the one that gets them introuble damnit!
Your craziest friend: theyre all crazzzy
Your friend that lives the closest to you: ash
Your friends that live the farthest from you: all of them

The end
Current Date: August 18th
Current Time: 10:01
What you're wearing: bengals and a tank top..what else?
What you're doing: what does it look like
What you're thinking: i miss him :(

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 13:51:44 GMT

Steven left on saturday...i cant believe hes gone. The person i look up to the most, the person who i have wanted to be like all my life, the one who i can tell everything too and not feel stupid, the one i trust..is gone. Sure i can still talk to him online and call him whenever i need to but its not the same. I miss watching him getting ready to go out i miss going down stairs and just sitting there while hes taking care of his reptiles knowing i was with the person i loved most in life. Maybe im being a little dramatic but hes my big brother. and i miss him so much. And i hate liz for taking him away from me. i know that one girl would do it but not now...how could she do it now...when everything is already messed up and i needed him :( i want him back home :( :( :(

I finally wrote to ray too telling him i need a break. and i think i did the write thing. i need time to figure out what i want and whats best for both of us. its going to be hard. two people are going to get hurt in the end. me and which ever one i choose. i love him. i do. but i cant do this for 5 years...im 16..i dont know. i need to figure out if hes staying here or if hes leaving after a week. and i feel horrible for putting joe through this...but he knew what he was doing...i think everyone knew except me...:(

but in good news GIANNAS HOME! omg i missed her so much. i need her stat! me and you must get together asap to chatter. haha not when im with him though!! i missed you so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think its about time for our outback mac and cheese/walgreens visit dont ya think?

<3 meg

Thu, 05 Aug 2004 13:43:00 GMT

Went out with joey yesterday morning and went mini golfing. hahha such a blast! like there was no point in us going because both of us suck like woa. it go to the point where we were just walking around throwing the lil ball in the hole. *giggles* then we stopped by d&d (cause joe gets withdrawels) where EE i get scared by this new dude that works there. hes so skettttchhhyyyyyyy. the other day i was collecting tips and he came over to me and was like here sweety heres your tip *wink* put this in your pocket dont give it to anyone. then hes always trying to sit next to me or is asking if i have a bf and ahh!!! scary!!! so anways after that we went to subway. where my sandwitch sucked! it was wicked soggy *gross* so i just took everything out and ate just the bread and cheese and lettuce lol. while the whole time joey was laughing at me *glare*. then we stopped at his house where i got the tour. this boy does not throw ANYTHING out! it made me giggle. After that lovely time he dropped me back off home. where i read then watched the 3 ninjas cause i havent seen that in like 10 years!!! ha i remember when that movie used to be badass...o the good ol days...
So then i get a call from joey asking if i wanted to do something that night. he picked me up around 9 and we went to the beach! eeee i love the beack at night. its so pretty and quiet. i didnt want to leave. haha he think im insane. i thought of the most random conversations what whatever im entertaining. so then i got home and went to sleep around 11:30...

Im so confused right now. Okay i do have a bf. and i do love my bf. but being out with joe really made me think....its like...the past few weeks i havent got any letters from ray. i mean if u want a girl to stay with u while your gone for 3 months i would be sending out like everyday! and i just...it feels like since im not seeing him, this whole period is just like im trying to get over him. and then i started thinking do i want to do this for years? i mean this is highschool. when he gets back hes not going ot be gone long..maybe a week or two then off to flordia? and i cant do it. exspecially with what im going through now in my life. i need someone here....i just i dont know. Joe tried to kiss me last night and i actually wanted to. i was so tempted but i didnt. i was proud i moved away and told him i had to really think about this but......ugggggggggggg......i mean today was so much fun. he made me forget about everything. but i do love ray ....why is this so hard! im so confused :( someone tell me what to do :(

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 22:36:49 GMT

I don't want my brother to move this weekend. i dont want him to go to SC...some one wake me from this nightmare :'(

Tue, 03 Aug 2004 14:12:55 GMT

Just thought id update:

Saturday: worked 7-3. yay? o yea it was blast...ha not. it was so gay because i was the only person making hot and ice coffee, and fillin the creamers, ect.... the people i worked with were retarded (well the ones on counter). And everytime i went to go do that stuff neil would yell at me cause i wasnt on counter. i almost flipppped on him. i mean wtf what do you want me to do. if it wasnt for me you wouldnt have anything u fat ass. ugggggggggggggggg....
Came home then called up dave a. We went out and played pool. it was a blast. lol we "played" for a few hours. aka him shooting around and me dancing. fun fun fun. then we went to get ice cream were mine melted alllll over my hand. yea should have been smart like dave and got a cup but am i? hell no. I must hang out with that boy more. hes such a cutie. Got home around 11 and went to sleep.

Sunday: wake up at 4 in the morning to my brother and dad talking about him leaving in a week. yea didnt know this. i thought it was two weeks.....lets just say wasnt happy. Worked 6-2. where yet again me and this kid eric did all the work. o o O and i almost killed this chick sherry i work with. She hates me for some reason which i do not know cause i hardly ever work with her. So anyways, i walk in and go in the back and hear her saying something like ug i hate working with meghan she doesnt do shit...o...OOOOOO almost flipped! i just wanted to be like excusssssssssse me missy the only time i worked with you was when i first started working here and of course im not gonna do shit cause i didnt know how to do anything. and now whenever i do work with you its only when i work 10-5 and most of the time your in the back doing portions or something since you leave at 12. but mostly i do 2 shift now so how the hell would you know if i work or not!!!!!!!!!i wish she would just slit her throat. anyways sunday sucked to no end cause neil didnt put enough people on and sundays are buisy day. i was fine for a few hours though cause i got to do sandwitches which i much rather do then talk to people. untill me and this girl jenn burnt a knife in the toaster :x buttt we wont go there lol. got out at 2 and went home and slept. woke up at 5:30 cause i had to go to mass at 6. i dont see why my parents make me go. i hate going to mass. the church is so gay and corrupted so i dont listen to anything they say. if i want to pray i do it on my own. but o no my mother would NEVER hear of that. so anyway who i get home and after about an hour my brother and mom start flipping on eachother outside...omg yea lets just let EVERYONE hear about our problems huh?!
So they are fighting about him leaving and such and then after a while some how my name gets brought up in the conversation about how im not happy and how i cant trust my mom. so since my brother is telling my mother this she starts flipping even more. So after about 2 hours my mom comes in and asks if i trust her. im just like yea sure whatever. WHAT the hell am i supposed to tell her. no mom i cant trust you. beacuse everything i say you flip out on because nothing i say is what you think and how im horrible since im a liberal? I've tried over and over to talk to her but she doesnt listen. so im done. We can have one of those relationships were she thinks everything is dandy and ill just keep my mouth shut. and to tell you the truth i DONT care. im sick of my house and these childish games everyone needs to play. im sick of having to choose sides. so im not going to play anymore. I'm not even going to try and have conversations with anyone because anything i say can be turned around into how i like someone better. so good job mom and dad. you lost your daughter. well at least untill i get out and figure out things on my own.

Monday: Well im not gonna get into that one

<3 meg...*to long of a entry so im not even going to bother to see if stuff is spelled right or makes sense. lol*

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 03:18:29 GMT

A - Act your age - 16

B - Body Type - 5'3 or is it 2?

C - Clean or Dirty - squeky clean like my rubber ducky

D - Dad's name - Mike

E - Essential item(s) - mousey, cross necklace *not for religion purposes though*, class ring, bowl of carrots & mac & cheese.

F - Favorite Book - Cradle will fall

G - Gold or silver - silver def!

H - Hometown - Buffalo

I - Instruments you play - none but im gonna learn the guitar

J - Job title - D&D lady! although i wish to change it like asap

K - Kids - i hope your refering to like my cats or something....

L - Lover - r.j.r <3

M - Mom's name - Marian

N - Number of people you've slept with - like as in ZzzZzzZzz a few or as in.... *0 <---* NONE!

O - Overnight hospital stays - none

P - Phobias - cars

Q - Quote you like - "Lil Bro lifes tough get a helmet."
<3 boy meets world

R - Religious affiliation - catholic

S - Sibling - Mike, Steve, Timmy..arent i a lucky younger sis? :(

T - Time you wake up? - 9 or 10?

U - Unique habit - i dunno? i shake my leg 24/7??

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat - hm...peas

W - Worst habits - procrastinator like woa

X - X-rays you've had - teeth, stomic

Y - Yummy food you make - mac and cheese. o yea im a pro

Z - Zodiac Sign - err the V one!

Fri, 30 Jul 2004 15:00:46 GMT

Haven't updated in a while so im not going to go over the weeks details cause thats just gay.
Yesterday woke up and got ready for work. o joy! i need to find a new job. everyone there that i like or at least can stand is leaving and there is no way in hell im staying with the old cranky/horney people or the new guys cauuusee they suck like woa. But yes yesterday at work was very exciting cause for the first time in my life i was the one that new what to do! muahah! i got to train someone and and and i felt all wise and powerful *shutup lol*. and and and the other exciting thing was that since we hit $50,000 dollars last week they bought all the employees D&D beach towels! woohooo. i know its very exciting. so after those exciting hours, went home then went out with chris. i def missed that boy liiikee wowzers. We went to see bourne sup. it was pretty good. i liked it. specially the end. weeeeeee fast cars! lol so after a night of being made fun of like every second and slapped in the face! *EEK* went home and fell asleep on the nice big comfy red chair *yawn*.

So yes 6 weeks untill he returns...sounds like a lot but its been 8 weeks since hes been gone. so i can do it..i think :( he better come home on time cause i cant take this staying in the house routine since i cant be with him anymore AH!!!!!!

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 03:01:06 GMT

ABOUT YOU

Your full name:: if your reading this and you dont know my real name..then you're gay

Age:: 16

Height:: 5`2 or 3?

Natural hair colour:: what its now. dark brown. are'nt i a hottie ;)

Eye colour:: blue

Number of siblings:: 3 big bros! mikey, stevey, timmy!

Glasses/contacts:: reading glasses

Piercings:: nope. want to get some though "/ thinking about it this summer.

Tattoos:: none but im def gonna get one or two ;)

Braces:: last year

FAVOURITE

Colour:: green

Band:: uh uh uh I DONT KNOW

Song:: ----^

Stuffed animal:: mousey :)

Video game:: CS! im such a dork :)

TV show:: uh hell buffy! o and boy meets world ;)

Movie:: NINJA TURTLES

Book:: The cradle will fall. Kaitlen let me borrow it last year and i fell in love

Food:: mac & cheese

Game on a cell phone:: the lil helicopter game

Scent:: dunno to tell you the truth

Animal:: DUCK

Comic book:: ninja turtles baby

Cereal:: kix

Cartoon:: ninja turtles! do u see a pattern?

DO YOU

Play an instrument?:: no but i want to :(

Watch TV more than 60 hours a week?:: ha i wish..

Like to sing?:: yar! specially to the dance parties in Gi's car!

Have a job?:: yes i poor coffee and donuts to hungry people.

Have a cell phone?:: yes yes

Like to play sports?:: soccer <3

Have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:: *blush* yea :)

Have a crush on someone?:: the bf?

Live somewhere NOT in the united states?:: noo

Have more than 5 TVs in your house?:: nope nope

Have any special talents/skills?:: ummm :x

Exercise daily?:: sometimes? :x

Like school?:: hell no.

CAN YOU

Sing the alphabet backwards?:: nah im not smart enough

Stand on your tip toes without wearing shoes?:: umm maybe?

Speak any other languages?:: ha....HA

Go a day without food?:: all the time.

Stay up for more than 24 hours?:: lately, yes.

Read music, not just tabs?:: hell no

Roll your tongue?:: doin it right now ;) dont you wish you know what else i could do with it ;) ;)

Eat a whole pizza?:: how about 1% of it?

HAVE YOU EVER

Snuck out of the house?:: nope

Cried to get out of trouble?:: nope. i hate when people see me crying.

Gotten lost in your city?:: i dont drive yet so nope!

Seen a shooting star?:: yup. so purrdy

Had a serious surgery?:: naw

Stolen something important to someone else?:: steal WHAT NEVER

Solved a rubiks cube?:: those things are so hard...

Gone out in public in your pajamas?:: lol everyday!

Cried over a girl?:: uh no?

Cried over a boy?:: sadly yes

Kissed a random stranger?:: never. a kiss is special..

Hugged a random stranger?:: nope

Been in a fist fight?:: hahaha yes

Been arrested?:: does when my brothers used to play cops count?

Done drugs?:: nope

Had alcohol?:: ha because of mike i can finally say yes!

Laughed and had milk come out of your nose?:: ewww no

Pushed all the buttons on an elevator?:: eheheheheheh :)

Gone to school only to find you had the day off because of a holiday/etc?:: no im not that dumb ;)

Swore at your parents?:: never

Been to warped tour?:: er

Kicked a guy where it hurts?:: hahah all the time

Been in love?:: yea :)

Been close to love?:: ----^

Been to a casino?:: no

Ran over an animal and killed it?:: !!!!

Broken a bone?:: no

Gotten stitches?:: yup. right next to the eyeball

Had a waterballoon fight in winter?:: hahahah yea SO MUCH FUN

Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour?:: prob. i love milk

Made homemade muffins?:: actually...no

Bitten someone?:: mhmm :)

Been to disneyland/disneyworld?:: no =(

More than 5 times?::

Been to niagra falls?:: actually i dont know...

Burped in someones face?:: i dont burp!

Gotten the chicken pox?:: hasnt everyone

WHENS THE LAST TIME YOU

Brushed your teeth:: 2 mins ago

Went to the bathroom:: NONE OF YOUR BUIISSSNNEEESSSS

Saw a movie in theaters:: anchorman. sucked like woa

Read a book:: i <3 books! so now?

Had a snow day:: durin winter?

Had a party:: eh i dunno. not a party girl

Had a slumber party:: day ray left with gi. i was a messss

Made fun of someone:: ?

Tripped in front of someone:: at work today

Went to the grocery store:: sunday with dadddy. its are tradition

Got sick:: school year

Cursed:: 5 seconds ago

PICK ONE

Fruit/vegetables:: I DUNNO I LOVE BOTH

Black/white:: black

Lights on/lights off:: off ;)

TV/movie:: movie

Car/truck:: TRUCK BABY

Body spray/lotion:: lotion

Cash/check:: cash

Pillows/blankets:: blankeys :)

Headache/stomach ache:: stomach ache

Paint/charcoal:: paint

Chinese food/mexican food:: chinese

Summer/winter:: mmmm winter :)

Snow/rain:: I DUNNO I LOVE BOTH!

Fog/misty:: mist

Rock/rap:: rock baby!

Meat/vegetarian:: vegetarian

Chocolate/vanilla:: chocolaty chocolate

Sprinkles/icing:: icin

Cake/pie:: cake :)

French toast/french fries:: fries

Strawberries/blueberries:: strawberries

Ocean/swimming pool:: ocean

Hugs/kisses:: hugs while bein kissed :)

Cookies/muffins:: muffins

Wallet/pocket:: hmm pocket

Pink/purple:: neither?

Cat/dog:: cat

Long sleeve/short sleeve:: your askin the girl that wears tank tops 24/7

Pants/shorts:: AND PANTS 24/7

Winter break/spring break:: winter :) :)

Spring/autumn:: spring..cause it rains so much

Clouds/clear sky:: clouuds

Moon/mars:: moon

LOVE AND ALL THAT CRAP

Have you ever been in love?:: yea

Are you single?:: nope

Are you in a relationship?:: if im not single im obviously in a relationship. moron.

If so, for how long?:: 3 months 16 days

Do you believe there is someone for everyone?:: of course

Have you ever been dumped?:: nope

Have you ever dumped someone?:: nope

Whats the most sexual thing youve done with the opposite sex?:: me to know..you to find out ;)

SILLY STUFF

What day is it?:: friday

Whens the last time you called someone?:: mikeeeeeeey! like around 9?

Are you hungry?:: nope

Whatcha doin?:: uhh what does it look like

Do you like parades?:: ew no

Do you like the moon?:: love it

What are you going to do when you are done with this?:: sleep maybe?

If you could have any magical power what would it be?:: fly. so i could leave.

Have you ever had a picnic?:: no :(

Did you ever have one of those skip-its when you were young?:: YES so much fun

Are you wearing any socks right now?:: yes! i hate feet.

DO YOU THINK YOU ARE

funny?:: in a weird way

pretty?:: not really

sarcastic?:: sometimes

lazy?:: 24/7

hyper?:: hahah all the time

friendly?:: mmm yes

evil?:: *glare*

smart?:: nope

strong?:: too strong for my own good "/

talented?:: not really

dorky?:: ha this is me your talking to. YAR

WOULD YOU EVER

Sky dive?:: def!

Play strip poker?:: nope

Run away?:: got to the driveway

Curse at a teacher?:: hell no

Not take a shower for a week?:: ew no

Ask someone out?:: nope. too shy

Lie to someone to make them think better of you?:: thats just gay

Visit a foreign country for more than a month?:: never

Go scuba diving?:: helll yar

Write a book?:: nah. i love readin them though

Become a rockstar?:: maybe...

Have casual sex?:: never.

LAST QUESTIONS

What shampoo do you use?:: herbal essence ;)

What kind of computer do you have?:: delly

What grade are you in?:: Seniorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Do you like to throw popcorn at people in the movies?:: nuh uh

Or just make out?:: hehehehhe ;)

Sat, 17 Jul 2004 00:28:05 GMT

This week has been pure hell. not because i had a fight with anyone or that when i went out something bad happened. Mostly just because i havent been happy with myself lately. Actually i should say i've hated myself. With everythhhhiiiiing...the way i act/talk/look/even how i feel about things. I've just been so depressed lately and i dont know how to snap out of it.
And to make things better i find out last night that steven is planning on moving in early august. He STILL has yet to tell me. He knows that i know but he hasnt like i dont know talked about it with me. I dont know what i'm going to do without him. Even though i havent talked to him much in the past year its still a comfort knowing that hes still here. But in weeks he'll be in SC...I dont want to live without my big brother :( my bestest friend....*tear* fucking bitch just had to take him away from me. *glare**************

And...I miss the boy :( its been a month and 3 days sine i've seem him. only 9 more weeks left "/ Ug i dont know how i'm doing it...I'm just so sick of being strong. I dont know whats worse. being strong or being strong alone. i want high school to be over :(